Holidays seem so surreal when you've returned. No sooner have you opened your front door and the past week seems like a dream. No more are my days filled with peering with trepidation over the edge of another increasingly steeper looking slope, feeling somewhat sick in my belly... no longer is my mind trying to process Ulli's chirpy "hup and down" or my attempts to breath deeply, not panic and focus on my posteriors posture... no longer is getting dressed an important decision of whether to wear another layer or worrying whether we should have put more suncream on (it was +7 the first day!)... of endless hours chatting with C without running out of things to say… and trying to reach 10pm before we both passed out.

We have both returned in one piece. Well almost. All the angst and anxiety leading up that my back would not hold were unfounded. In fact my back behaved very well. It was only my right knee that hurt more than I cared for on the fifth day after what seemed like to be escalating all over aches and pains of days 1-3 had passed. And C's knees held out the course too. Unfortunatley the 7hr diversion from Innsbruck (Austria) due to bad weather (all other airlines bar Monarch were landing!?) to Verona (Italy) did little to impress my derrier, and an awkward twist whilst swapping our weeks with SG ironicaly finished it off so that I return to work with a severe pain in the butt. Unfortuantely C has suffered far worse. She took a nasty knock on the last day of skiing when a snowboarder smacked into her, but whilst painful no ribs seemed to be broken. She managed to get down the mountain and endure the aforementioned 7hr diversion the next day and an unplanned (very) early morning flight back to Edinburgh having missed her connection. That was until this morning. When something went crack… then doctors, x-rays and painkiller whilst she awaits the results. Poor poor thing. I hope it doent knock her confidence for next time.

It is such a shame as we had such a lovely time. The skiing was great, even though no fresh snow had fallen for two weeks. The weather was glorious for the most part, if a little hot and we made leaps and bounds with our skiing. So much so that by the end of the week we were skiing down the Igls Olympic (1972) Red with what could be describe almost as a degree of style. So much so that me and C, and John from our group braved to go solo on the last day and head for some high altitude easy Glacier runs on our last day. Unfortunatley the weather forecast had been wrong all week and Friday was no exception. We awoke to find the blue skies had been replaced by greyness and upon arrival an hour later the weather was distinctly windy. But we weren't going to be put off. The three of us, intreped courageous adventurers encouraged and looked after one another as we made a few warm up runs. Then up the planned chair lift to Route 7. By now the snow was falling heavily and the wind whipped up, but with a couple of stops to "appreciate the view" what little we could see (we weren't catching our breath, oh no) and we'd made it back to the restaurant for lunch. Hoorah! The map came out and the conscenous was to head for the peak and take the easy blue back down.

But after lunch the weather had not improved. I gave C and John at least three opportunites to opt out, but no, that's what we all wanted to do? I think we all felt that we'd committed and noone wanted to back out. It was snowing hard but visibility was ok and people were ascending all the time. In hindsight it was not perhaps one of our better choices.

Half way down we were suddenly in a total white out. We three stood still, I'd like to say because that's what you do but I suspect paralysis with fear had something to do with it as well, and agreed to stay put until it cleared, how ever long that might be?!?! And with patience it did and we agreed to get down asap.

It was then that the snow boarder hit C. Right from behind just as she was turning. Cs pole took the brunt of the impact which was severly bent but the board still hit her boot, thigh and rib. I could tell she was in a lot of pain. Keep calm, think clearly. Don’t let her panic. Then attempting to straighten her pole it snapped! Keep calm! Don’t let her panic. C was barely holding it together but felt able to continue so, being the stronger skiier and not having just been wiped out, I gave her my pole. John took the lead whilst C navigated painfully and I less gracefully with one pole down the mountain to the gondola. It was far more of an adventure than any of us had intended and one I would care not to repeat.

I do not pray often, I feel it rather hypocritical being an agnostic, but pray I did that we would all get down. safely. And thanks did I give for the fact we all did.

... makes the heart grow fonder.

And boy was it good to be held in his arms again.   I must go away more often.

So much for not neglecting my blog

Life still feels unsettled but at least it feels like we're charting the right course now, despite the turbulent (and sometimes stomach churning) seas.  This is all unchartered territory and what lies over the horizon is, whilst potentially great, is also pretty scary.  My mind has been troubled lately but I mustn't beat myself up about it.  I must learn to acknowledge it and then continue.  There was a time when I'd blub to my hearts content on 20six but now it doesn't feel quite right.  Partly because some of the subject matter now I feel is not for the www (who knows who's out there reading this stuff) - just because you're paranoid doesnt mean they're not listening!  - but SGs big D is a main influence on our lives and I guess if I am to be true to my original intent, they are my ramblings and I mustn't contain them.  Even my CBT homework was to keep an "emotional" diary.  What is this, if not that?!

But for now, my thoughts are consumed with excitement and trepidation, for tomorrow at the unearthly hour of 0330 me and C will be heading off to Austria for our second skiing holiday.  I shall be leaving my beloved SG behind.  I've made sure he has a larder full of food and he'll be kept busy with the unenviable task of sorting through his "stuff", but I shall fret and worry about him and how events might evolve whilst I'm away.  Whilst I need to get away from the day-to-day humdrum, I shall miss him so.  C and I have been planning this for a year!  I just hope we both come back in tact.  Neither of us are as fit as we were last year.

We'll find out soon enough........

Suddenly another week has gone.  And not a good one at that.  

My back is being stubborn, refusing to settle which has sent me into a downward panic.  Although I can rationalise the rising stress I dont seem to be able to stop it.  Logic (and my osteo) tell me it will get better again, but it's been up and down 10months this time, and just as I start to feel on top form again it goes and puts a dampener on everything.  It is always there lurking in the background waiting to re-appear. 

I've not been prepared physically, mentally or practically for skiing in two weeks, although feeling a little better now my internet order has arrived.  Now all I need to do is chose which ski set to go with - the practical dull one, or the brightly coloured not-so-practical 'girl racer' one.  I dont want to be all dolled up in the gear but without the talent to support it and looking a t*t in the process.

Granddad is still gasping but he had another minor heartache and his chest continues to rattle.  There is nothing we can do.  We know what's failing and it is just a waiting game.  I am trying to come to terms that he is dying, just that we dont know if he'll hang on another day, week or year.  And in the meantime we try to ride the emotional rollercoaster.  I love him dearly and whilst he's had a long life and death is inevitible to us all, it will be a terrible loss when he is gone. My biggest fear is that he doesn't suffer and that he isn't scared, which he has been lately.  When you love an animal you have the option to show mercy, but with humans it's not so simple.  That is what I fear most.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to work out why I'm feeling the way I am at present, but I was still suprised at how upset I was in CBT this week.  It's as if I know the answers but I have to say them and then acknowledge the feelings that are awakened as a result.  Better out than in, and I am feeling a little calmer for it, if a little wobbly.  Self awareness is a weird thing.