Just by being himself
Doing what he does best
Being there for me
Making me happy

Another family funeral this week.  That's three this year.  Nothing like a funeral to look forward to.  But for all the funerals I have been to (seven come to mind) this was the first that I didn't go alone. I had someone to be there for me, whilst I was there for my family.  And it felt sooo good having someone to support me, whilst I leant support to others.

It was a weekend of firsts. Our first night away and a chance to chill and just BE for a while, away from the stresses and strains of our every day lives.  The first time he met my family.  The universe has had a funny way of making decisions for us and circumstances conspired and we weren't about to question.  When is a good time for the big introductions?  Why not a funeral when everyone is emotional and distracted?!  It was the first time I felt totally at ease at the prospect of introducing someone, the first time I didn't feel I had to justify myself or worry what my family thought.  Of course they'd love him, just like I do.  And watching him interact with them just made my heart fill even more.  

It is always so great to gather with my family, I just wish we did it on happier occassions.  I don't believe many can say they have such close bonds with their extended kin.  Such reuinions always make me appreciate how lucky I am to have such ties.  Lucky to have the family I have, no matter what grief and crises they may bring.  The icing was having the man I love with me, amongst my family. 

Some days
my love for him 
is more than my heart can hold

The stair carpet is booked for 20 December.  That's four weeks away.  It was booked tentatively as a means to inspire me into action. Nothing like a deadline to focus the mind.  And raise the stress levels.  

M came down Friday and worked whilst I worked at work (if you follow) after which we dashed to the DIY store to buy supplies (I've settled for the aptly named "orangery" on the walls) and then scoffed down a special treat of Fish and Chips *yummy* Well we did deserve a treat.  Fed and watered, I commenced the grand task of painting the hall and stairs at 8pm.  Somewhere near midnight me and M finally downed tools out of exhaustion and dragged ourselves to bed. 

I got the long straw Saturday, housesitting for SGs delivery whilst M was left to the hard graft.  When said delivery finally arrived an hour later than the allocated two hour slot, me and M collectively ploughed on until we were once again dead on our feet.  SG came to our rescue and treated us to dinner, which was much was appreciated and needed.  It was a while before me and M stopped shaking and were able to converse, rather than just sit in a catatonic exhaustion.

It took a while but the house if finally settling into a bit of colour amidst the creams whites.  There's still a lot to do, and not a lot of time.  Time will tell, as they say.  I can always re-schedule. 

But how nice would it be to have a new carpet for Christmas.

Me. 

I've been on a bit of a roll lately.  I've felt good.  Mentally. Physically. More in control.  *Oh - there's that word again my therapist always picks up on*  I've been happy.  Happy, happy, happy.  Recognising it,  embracing it, sharing it.  Learning to love and be loved.   

We've joked that the good times have been enduring and that at some point it will change.

This week is a different scenario.  This week I've been really shaky.  Tearful.  Scratchy.  Dreamful, exhausting sleep.  This week my CBT was much more emotional.  I don't like this side of me.  I don't understand *Oh - there's the "head trying to reason it all) and I worry about what will happen if I don't lift out of it (*Oh - yes you get the gist...)

I am the sum of all my parts.  That is what makes me, ME.  The hard bit is learning to love all of ME.  And to accept that there is not always a reason or an answer.  That you just have to BE sometimes.  It's all part of the process.