Is it really only 1630?  Have I moved into another time zone?  I wish it'd bloody hurry up and get a move on *sigh*.  Feeling....flat today?  Non descript?  Unispired?  Dull?  Quiet?  Not sure why?  Probably the never ending darkness of today hasnt helped, made worse by my recent office move away from my beloved window and the now absence of any daylight view. 

The underlying uncertainty of events is de-stabilising too and SG is struggling under the emotional toil.  All I want to do is retreat into myself.  Cut myself off and hibernate.  To just go home and mope.  I dont want to talk, I dont want to explain. And dont want to share my space.  I just want to be alone, me, myself and I.  And perhaps the cats IF they're not fussing.  But that would be unfair to SG, particularly today of all days. 

That's the thing with relationships, sometimes you just have to get on with it. I need to at least see him and explain.  Of course I can tell him I need a bit of space, and there is nothing wrong with that.  And I'm sure he'll be supportive, despite his own sorrow.  But I feel selfish leaving him on his own tonight, particuarly tonight.  Old habits die hard...there is no point angsting, but I am!, that when we're living together I wont have the option to go 'home alone' because right now I do.  Right now it's just easier to be on my own.  *smirk* there is sooo much I have learned through my CBT.  I might be wiser and have more wisdom but it's still the same battle when it comes to the crunch.

I was knocked a little side ways this morning's referal to the FMS nurse (finaly) It was strange recognising my reactions.  It was weird talking about FMS again as I'm feeling a lot better.  Except the sleep.  I'm sure stress is playing a part.  But I'm exhausted when I wake. Absolutely drained.  And that's not how one wants to start the day.  But the whole thing made me realise that I've been putting the FMS diagnosis back into it's little box with a large dose of scepticism of  "it was just a combination of events that resulted in a physcial meltdown, that's all"   It's such a composite diagnosis to cover a range of symptoms.   It's gathering medical support slowly, but it's one of those things that has multiple causes, multiple symptoms and multiple levels of experience. And perhaps is viewed as a 20th century diagnosis.  Once again the CBT has helped me recognise my thoughts and reactions.  But there is still resistence on my part.  Oh well, it's a life long journey.  I guess I'm a bit frightened that the fatique is starting to kick in and I'm on the edge once more.  It's more likely that I'm just a bit pissed off at present.  Nothing more, nothing less. Time will tell.  The immediate thing is to go and explain why I need a bit of space today.

The minutes are dragging.  My mind is wandering.  My emotions are fluctuating.  I just have to wait... 

Patience is not one of my strong points.

I have a whole wardrobe of coats.   It's one of the few items I have plenty of.  Long, short, smart, posh, fluffy.  But as I'm heading out the door, the only one I grab to put on, day in day out, is my Brighton Parker (BP).  I only bought it because it was a bargain.  I didnt particularly like it.  I just liked the 80% off price tag.  But like it or not, it has become my staple robe.  Nothing else seems to fit the bill.  I live in my BP.  It may not be the longest, but it is the warmest and most waterproof of them all, and with the hood up it shelters me from the driving wind and rain or cold.  I might look like South Park's Kenny, but at least my hair doesnt look like I've been dragged through a hedge.

But I long for the day when the wind and rain to stop and I feel inspired to try on a more attractive and less practical coat.  Till then, I remain forever grateful to my BP.

Your smile fills my soul with warmth
Your voice calms the rollercoaster I call life

and I am left speechless, my heart bursting with love.