It all started on Boxing Day when me and the family met along our Christmas walk this most handsome cream Lab bounding around, ever obedient, performing to whistle commands.. "sit", "stay" "fetch" "wait!", teased mercifully by his handler until given the command which released him and all his pent up energy to jump into the lake with gusto to collect his 'quarry'.

He was the kind of dog that people stop to admire, and we did.  Our paths kept crossing as we walked around the lake and we got chatting to his master and mistress.  He wasn't really interested in us, only in running with his nose 1cm off the ground, and waiting for his master tor make another throw. But eventually we were introduced.  "This is Marley" to which my mum and aunt replied in unison "oh, is he named after "the" Marley"?

And so I was given a well read copy of "Marley and Me - Life and Love with the worlds worst dog" by John Grogan.

It's not often I can't put a book down.  I'm not a dog lover (cats rule in my book) and I would have possibly have veered away from the book fearing senitmentality.  But this was a book I looked forward to picking up. A book I made time for a long bath to soak in.   I laughed out loud, text my mum and aunt to give updates on which antic I'd reached, and couldn't wait to find out what disaster lay ahead. 

Until the last few chapters, when I dreaded reaching the inevitable end.  I put it off until I had time proper time and space to read the final few chapters, with a pack of tissues forwarned.

Tears ran down my cheeks hitting a cord on so many levels.  Strange as it sounds, I'd become fond of this dog, and of John and Jenny, their happiness and sorrows.

I think like all good books, it struck something deeper.  Somehow there was a connection?  It made me think about my own life, loves and losses, Granddad at the fore. 

And it made me soooooo appreciative of my quirky two kittycats, their characters and mannerisms and the love and life which we share. 

The way they both greet me and visitors at the door... BigBoy saying hello when he walks in a room, shouting for his dinner, snuggling under the duvet, claiming a lap for the evening... LittlePoppet climbing on the highest vantage point to paw the air until you stroke her, her fierce independence contrasting with her joy of being in your company, following us like a shadow, tapping our foot to stroke her or play fetch (yes she is a cat, but a very clever cat!) or making her own entertainment playing on her own with her ball up and down the stairs or in a shoe or bag.

Me: "Mirror Mirror on the Wall who's the fairest of them all?

MoD: "Well, my dear, how can I put this?

Sadly, despite your vanity to be "natural" your once golden locks are enhanced chemically these days to brighten and lighten and your roots are growing through darker with the years. 

And yes, amongst that mousey brown re-growth, that is a flash of purity.

Pure white"

Damn you mirror!

How do you explain to cats that the humans have changed the clocks and now THEY have to wait another hour for their dinner?

My beloved granddad died on Friday.  He'd been poorly for a month or so with various ailments and went voluntarily into hospital on Monday - an indication of just how bad he must have been feeling.  I visited him Thursday night with mR, and my brother popped in and he was in unexpectadly good spirits.  To take his mind off the pain, we managed talked about the old days and I finally got to document a few of the facts and stories that I'd been meaning to, but due to his declining health we'd been unable to in recent weeks.  Alas, that was the last time we spoke and he shared his stories with a twinkle in his eye.  We returned to Brighton feeling that he might be over the worst, but at 0730 on Friday morning, the hospital called Granny and my parents up to the hospital and he died shortly after. 

There is some relief that he is no longer suffering, and that the end was relatively swift and he kept his dignity and marbles.  But he was in great distress at the end until he was finally allowed to slip painfree and peacefully away. 

Regrets are meaningless at times like this.  But my memories are already fading, details becoming blurred, and now it is too late to capture them.  He was such a character and influence within our family.  He was the biggest influence in our childhood, a character larger than life.  I have tried to prepare myself for this day, but it is still hard to take.

He always seemed invincible.   

We were the best of friends. 

Heart broken.

Cookie (or as now known "secret cookie" on blogspot!) and I have just got back from a salsa weekend in Norfolk.

OH. 

MY.

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did we have a GOOOOOOOD time?  DID WE!!!!!!!!!!!!  Great classes, teachers with personalities to fill a room and fabu-deliciously devine guys to keep us on the dance floor till the wee hours.  And with Cookie's easy company and conversation, not forgetting the discussion at 03.30 about spreadsheets which was a sure thing to send me off to sleep, the experience was thoroughly enjoyable.

Despite the back screaming at me, it held up well enough.  Whilst I shall have to see how long it takes for me to recover from the limited sleep and disfunctional hours I'm hoping that with my confidence restored I can keep my mo-jo going, albeit pacing myself.

Long may it continue.  It needs to so that I can venture up to London to see my old pals, my new pals and to dance with E the sweetie and feel like a million dollars.

"Your my favourite" was still my favourite (although E the sweetie is a strong contender now) and despite the usual artic reception from his other half, by Sunday I'd managed to at least have a dance and chat without feeling the daggers and voodoo dolls were out for me.  Some situations are just crap.  But at least we danced and my soul felt happier for it.

And now... I'm off to bed to catch up on some sleep

I know.. it's been ages!!  Promises, promises.  So many experiences, frustrations and hysterics I've thought "must blog that" but just haven't got round to.  In more reflective moods I've thought that perhaps my blog served a purpose during turbulent times to down my thoughts, but now I have a counsellor and mR to off load and try make sense of life.  Other times I've felt that the www may not be the most appropriate place to air matters, particularly relating the to the D.  Perhaps my blog had served it's purpose and was no longer required?  Why did I start the blog? Why did I keep it up?  Yes I got a kick from the affirmation that someone had read my post and commented, sometimes I just needed to get it off my chest.  But you can write your thoughts down without having to share them.  Was it because many of the 20sixers had left to other platforms and I just couldnt be inclinded to keep up with them all or couldn't work out how to comment using the technology!  Hmmmm.  perhaps I just think too much?   ***!

But I'll give it one more go.  Where it leads who knows...

More was achieved today than could have been dreamt.  It is a victory.  A small but symbolic victory.  And yet I'm disappointed.  Of course I'm delighted for him, but I'm unhappy for me.  Events have suddenly moved on and sod's law, because such a shift wasnt anticipated, now I find myself unaccompanied for the wedding and the family do.  It is the right outcome, I just wish I didn't feel so let down inside.   Being a grown up is bloody tough sometimes.